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Offline Bones

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« on: May 20, 2006, 03:36:14 am »
>>Sounds like a well brought up country kid.
>>LIFE IN THE AUSTRALIAN ARMY
>>
>>Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga, to Mum and Dad.
>>(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of
>>Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland.)
>>
>>Dear Mum & Dad,
>>I am well.Hope  youse are too.
>>Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than
>>workin'
>>on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the
>>jobs
>>are all gone!
>>I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta
>>get
>>outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta
>>do
>>before brekky is make ya bed and shine  ya boots and clean ya
>>uniform.
>>  No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack
>>-nothin'!!
>>Blokes haz
>>gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water
>>and even a light to see what ya doing!
>>At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo
>>steaks
>>or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until
>>noon,
>>and by that time all the city  boys are buggered because we've been
>>on
>>a 'route march' - geez, its only just like walking to the windmill
>>in
>>the back paddock!!
>>
>>This one will kill me Brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.
>>
>>I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno  why. The bullseye is as
>>big
>>as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move  and its not firing back
>>at ya
>>like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their
>>prize cows before the Ekka last year!
>>
>>All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable  and hit the target -
>>its
>>a piece of piss!!
>>
>>You don't even load your own  cartridges - they comes in little
>>boxes
>>and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo
>>shooting truck when  you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with
>>the
>>city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's
>>not
>>like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and
>>Muzza
>>all at once like we do at home after the muster.
>>
>>Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best
>>the
>>platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
>>Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15  stone and three pick handles
>>across
>>the shoulders, and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and  eight stone
>>wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off
>>to
>>the boozer.
>>
>>I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick
>>before
>>word gets around how bloody good it is.
>>
>>Your loving daughter,
>>Jill
« Last Edit: January 16, 2007, 01:04:14 pm by Bones »

Offline Doom

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« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2006, 06:58:48 am »
Bahahahaha   piss'n myself by the end :P

Offline Diabolic

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« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2006, 08:12:06 am »
Bahahaha,Wtf its a daughter? that must be once butch biatch

Orlandian

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Jokes
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2006, 12:13:20 am »
Diagnosis



One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."



His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.



Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."



Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.



The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:



1. You have tennis elbow.

2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

3. It will be better in two weeks.......



That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.



He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.



He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:



1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

Orlandian

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« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2006, 12:23:46 am »
70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long





1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.



2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".



3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.



4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to

your significant other.



5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".



6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.



7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-

face.



8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.



9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone

know you're going to be away.



10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.



11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or

complete sentences.



12. You have met over 100 Gamers.



13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.



14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"



15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the

night when your spouse is asleep.



16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know

you're on-line again.



17. You know more about your BF2 friends' daily routines than you do

your own spouses.



18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they

complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.



19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to

your own.



20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from

partying too much than the truth (online all night).



21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your

own profile to see who you are.



22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and

cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".



23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at

the same time.



24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.



25. Your dog leaves you.



26. You have to ask what year it is.



27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta

go bbl!"



28. You name your pets after people you talk to.



29. You smile sideways...



30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on

their buddy list.



31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore

button handy.



32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.



33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you

think "uh oh cyber sex perv".



34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more

than a few hours.



35. You use inet lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).



36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.



37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.



38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"



39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online

before you have your first cup of coffee.



40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.



41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into BF2



42. You don't know where the time has gone.



43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by

hand.



44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer

instead.



45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.



46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.



47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and

lemme.



48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &

I will TTYL".



49. You type faster than you think.



50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to the net too & are now undergoing

therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.



51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.



52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.



53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up

your TV screen at the end of a movie.



54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes &

fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"



55. You dream in "text".



56. Being called a n00b is a "MAJOR" insult.



57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really

bored.



58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.



59. You double click your TV remote.



60. You can now type over 70wpm.



61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for Net junkies.



62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else &

say "BRB" or "BBL".



63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.



64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.



65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to

everyone in a room.



66. You stop speaking in full sentences.



67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended

up "giving" tech support to others



68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".



69. You know what a "snert" is.



70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted

to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was

online".

[CCT]saddam[big~vein]

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Jokes
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2006, 04:57:29 pm »
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the

block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."



The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."



Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.



Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"



The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

[CCT]saddam[big~vein]

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« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2006, 04:59:15 pm »
a mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old son playing with his new electric train set,she heard her son saying all of you bastards that want off,get the fuck off now,cause were in a hurry,the horrified mother went in and told her son,we don,t use that kind of language in this house, go to your room for two hours.then you may play nicely with your trains but you must use nicer language.two hours later the mother heard him say,all passengers who are disembarking,please remember to take your belongings,we thank you for travelling with us today,as the mother began to smile,he added,for those who are pissed off about the two hour delay,see the fat cunt in the kitchen.   :D

Offline Doom

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« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2006, 05:19:39 pm »
oh man I cant breathe lol :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  can't stop laughing :lol:  :lol:

Sn|PA_Ownz_U

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« Reply #8 on: May 23, 2006, 05:23:40 pm »
Haha nice one.

I got a good joke..



Gamedude!

Offline Evers

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« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2006, 05:24:58 pm »
Quote
Haha nice one.

I got a good joke..



Gamedude!




lol, please dont make doom explode


Offline Geej

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« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2006, 07:50:33 pm »
Quote
Haha nice one.

I got a good joke..



Gamedude!




hey, snipa made a funny ...



i giggled

Sn|PA_Ownz_U

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« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2006, 07:55:55 pm »
So this horse walks into the bar..

And the Bartender asks "Why the long Face?"  :!:





Like that one Geej?  :o



And look at my avatar for another joke!

Offline Geej

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« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2006, 07:57:56 pm »
easy come easy go snipa  :(

Offline Geej

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« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2006, 11:03:38 pm »
i just found this at the Rss forums



Quote
Rss^GWADS: social commentary.. really makes you think.



http://www.abum.com/show/2856/white_people_eee_eee_eee_black_people_doo_doo_doo..html








man, that had me in stitches for the best part of 5 minutes  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

[CCT]saddam[big~vein]

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« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2006, 11:07:35 am »
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said,

"Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"

"And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"